Divorce Parent Toolkit

What to Do as a Co-Parent to Help Your Children Thrive

When you’re going through divorce, it’s easy to get pulled into your own emotions, the logistics, and the stress of everything changing. But the most important shift you can make is this: keep your children at the center of every decision you make.

Your children need you right now. Even if they don’t say much, they are watching, feeling, and trying to make sense of what’s happening. Your role is to create as much stability and safety for them as possible, even when things feel uncertain for you.

One of the most powerful things you can do is support your child’s relationship with their other parent. This can be difficult, especially if there’s conflict, but it matters deeply for your child’s well-being. Be mindful of how you talk about your co-parent. Speak respectfully, avoid criticism, and don’t make your child feel guilty for loving or enjoying time with the other parent. If your child wants extra time with them, try to be flexible. These small choices help your child feel safe and free from loyalty conflicts.

At the same time, pay attention to how your child is doing emotionally. Not all children will openly talk about their feelings. Some may seem fine, while others may show changes in behavior like withdrawal, irritability, or loss of interest in things they used to enjoy. Stay present and observant. Spend time with them, get into their world, and gently invite conversation without forcing it. If you notice ongoing changes or distress, it may be helpful to bring in a therapist who can give your child a safe space to process what they’re going through.

Equally important is how you manage your own emotions. Divorce is incredibly hard, and you need support but your child should not be the one providing it. Avoid sharing your frustrations about the divorce or your co-parent with them. Instead, lean on friends, family, a therapist, or a coach so that when you’re with your children, you can be present and grounded.

Make sure you are supporting your child, not leaning on them. Children should never feel responsible for your emotional well-being or feel like they need to “take sides.” Even subtle behaviors like venting, oversharing, or seeking comfort from them can put pressure on them. Instead, reassure your child that you are okay, that it’s not their job to take care of you, and that both of you will get through this. Let them know it’s okay to feel sad, confused, or even angry and be there to listen without trying to fix everything.

As a co-parent, one of your biggest responsibilities is to reduce conflict with your ex whenever possible. The way you interact with each other has a direct impact on your child’s mental and emotional health. Try to approach your co-parenting relationship like a business relationship that's focused, respectful, and centered on your child. Avoid arguing in front of your children, don’t react to provocative messages, and keep communication clear and focused on logistics.

When it comes to communication, here are some guidelines:

• Share important information about your child (school, health, schedule changes)
• Keep your tone neutral and respectful
• Don’t bring up past issues
• Don’t use your child as a messenger

Even if your co-parent isn’t showing up this way, continue to model it. Over time, consistency can shift the dynamic or at the very least, protect your child from additional stress.

Another important step is how you talk to your children about the divorce itself. Don’t wait too long because children sense tension and may imagine something worse. When you tell them, keep it simple and focused on what affects them: where they’ll live, what their schedule will look like, and what will stay the same. Reassure them that both parents love them and that the divorce is not their fault. If possible, have this conversation together with your co-parent and be prepared to answer their questions calmly and honestly.

As your child adjusts, help them stay connected to both parents without putting them in the middle. If they complain about the other parent, don’t join in or validate negative comments. Listen and gently redirect them: encourage them to talk directly to the other parent or help them think through how to handle the situation. This protects them from feeling caught between the two of you.

Finally, begin to create a new sense of family. Keep traditions that matter, but also create new ones. Spend quality time together, have simple rituals like game nights or special meals, and give your children something to look forward to. These moments help rebuild a sense of stability and connection.

At the end of the day, it's ok no to do this perfectly. You'll have moments where you get it wrong. What matters most is that you stay focused on your child, keep showing up, and make decisions that support their emotional well-being over time.

About the Author:

Jill Kaufman is a Therapist, Divorce Coach, Mediator & Co-parenting Expert. After going through her own difficult divorce, she made it her life’s mission to make the process less overwhelming for others. Her book, online course and transformational group coaching program help parents navigate the overwhelming process of divorce both emotionally and strategically with less stress, more confidence and a greater sense of peace. Jill also co-founded Divorce Network Pro, a directory of divorce professionals committed to a low-conflict, family-focused approach.