How to Tell Your Children You Are Getting Divorced

Editor's Note: This article was originally published on Psychology Today on January 14, 2026, by Oona Metz, LICSW, and is republished here with attribution.

Key Points

• Telling your kids you're getting divorced is one of the most difficult conversations you'll have as a parent.
• Being thoughtful about timing your conversation will help you and them feel calmer and more grounded.
• Age matters. Younger kids and older kids have different emotional needs.
• Keep your first conversation about divorce brief and leave plenty of room for your children's feelings.

Every parent dreads this conversation. It is one of the most difficult in any divorce, as it means sharing heartbreaking news with your children. We are all programmed to nurture and protect our kids, so this step may feel like it goes against our parental instincts. And yet being a parent also means being honest and responsible. That includes letting your children know about changes to your family’s life.

What’s more, you are your children’s most important role model. In sharing this news, you have an opportunity to demonstrate both vulnerability and resilience. It’s important to communicate a balance of “this is a sad time” and “we are going to get through this.”

Ideally, you’ll tell all your children in person at once, but that may not be possible if one or more of them is at college, studying abroad, or away at camp, for example. Try to avoid asking your children to keep your news a secret, especially from their siblings. That puts too much pressure on them in an already stressful situation.

The best-case scenario is that you and your spouse sit down together and develop an agreed-upon set of statements. However, if your spouse is unwilling, absent, or can’t be relied on, you’ll have to tell the children yourself. While this is not ideal, it is sometimes the reality. Hearing the news from one thoughtful, rational parent is better than hearing it from two people who can’t agree on what to say, or who end up saying hurtful things to each other or their children.

Timing the Conversation

In general, it’s better to tell older kids sooner rather than later because they’re more likely to pick up on tension in the house and overhear your conversations. It’s also best if you have information about any upcoming changes in housing before you sit down with them to talk.

I’d recommend waiting to tell much younger children until a housing change is imminent. Younger children can’t track time the way adults do, so sharing changes to the family well in advance won’t serve them. If one of you is moving out, tell younger kids no more than a few weeks beforehand.

When timing the conversation, try to avoid other big transitions in their lives, like mourning a death, graduating from high school or college, starting the school year, or leaving for summer camp. Of course, there is no perfect time to share this difficult news, and you may have little control over the timing. However, do whatever is in your power to ease kids into the transition.

What to Say

Many parents worry about what to say, how to say it, and what impact it will have on their children. You may feel pressure to “get it right” or “say it all” during this first conversation. While it is important to be thoughtful about how you share the news, keep in mind that you will be talking to your children many times over many years about the divorce. For this initial conversation, less is more.

Because this is your children’s first time hearing the news, and because you’ll likely be in an emotional place, it’s best to keep the conversation brief. You can always add more details later. Once you’ve said your part, let them react and ask questions. Be prepared with answers to their questions. Let them leave the room if they need to. You can check on them after a few minutes to remind them you’re still available to hear their thoughts and feelings.

5 tips for a more grounded conversation

1. Start with the fact that you have decided to divorce. This can be just one sentence. It is best to say, “We have decided to divorce,” even if only one of you initiated the decision. If you think there is a chance of reconciliation after a trial separation, use the word “separate” instead of “divorce.”
2. Be thoughtful about how you explain the reasons for the divorce. Children do not need to know the intimate details about why you are getting divorced, and in fact, knowing those details could be hard on them. But they do need a reason. “We haven’t been getting along” or “We are no longer making each other happy” are good options to help simplify a complicated situation. Make sure to reassure them that your divorce is not their fault.
3. Let them know you’ve tried to make things better. This is important, as you want your children to know that you value your family and tried to work on your marriage. It also sends the message that when your children face hard things in their lives, they should also do their best to make them better.
4. Offer reassurance about what will and will not change in their lives. Make sure to emphasize one thing that will not change is your love for them. If you know other things that will or will not change (their home, school, schedule), mention those as well, but don’t make promises unless you know you can keep them.
5. Finish up by normalizing their feelings and inviting them to talk to you at any time. This is crucial. Just as your feelings about the divorce will shift over time, so will theirs. Your children need to know they can come to you at any time to talk about their feelings and ask questions.

This is an abridged excerpt from my new book Unhitched: The Essential Divorce Guide for Women.

References

Metz, O. (2026). Unhitched: The Essential Divorce Guide for Women. Gallery Books.

Attribution

Originally published on Psychology Today.

This article first appeared on Psychology Today and is republished with attribution. Read the original article on Psychology Today.