6 Steps to Processing Your Emotions During a Divorce
Editor's Note: This article was originally published on Psychology Today on January 16, 2026, by Oona Metz, LICSW, and is republished here with attribution.
Key Points
- Divorce can bring up painful and complex emotions.
- Healing begins by acknowledging your feelings instead of criticizing or dismissing them.
- Healthy self-soothing strategies can help you process emotions and move forward.
C.S. Lewis once wrote, "I sat with my anger long enough until she told me her real name was grief." I love that quote because it gets at the heart of how complex feelings can be during a divorce.
People process their feelings in different ways, and it’s important to find what works for you. Here are six steps for processing that may help you identify, accept, and let go of your emotions.
1. Recognize how you’re feeling.
You’re going to feel a lot during this time, so face your emotions head on. It’s valid and appropriate to have many feelings during a divorce. Know that they are there for a reason. As you process, try to distinguish between thoughts and feelings. “I feel anxious about how I’m going to afford my rent” is a feeling, while “I’m not going to be able to pay my rent and I’m going to have to move” is a thought. “I’m sad I’m not going to see my kids every day” is a feeling. “My kids are going to hate living in two homes” is a thought.
2. Label your feelings.
Get specific about how you’re feeling. Are you sad, lonely, or devastated? Frustrated, irritable, resentful, angry, or enraged? Each feeling word has a different meaning. It’s useful to get specific about your emotions as that can guide how you choose to act on them. For example, if you’re feeling frustrated about a text you received from your ex, you might decide to call a friend to vent or write about it in your journal. On the other hand, if your ex sends you a text that enrages you, you may want to cry, scream as loudly as you can, or channel your rage into an intense workout.
3. Accept how you’re feeling.
Accepting waves of emotion as they come is important. Ignoring, criticizing, minimizing, or judging them won’t help you process them, and will likely make you feel worse. Feelings aren’t right or wrong; they just exist. You already feel angry, but feeling ashamed that you feel angry just adds unnecessary baggage to an already difficult time. Make a commitment to yourself that you’ll accept any emotions that arise without judgment. Remember: Emotions are not your enemy, and they won’t last forever if you do the work of processing them.
4. Get curious about your feelings.
Once you’ve recognized, labeled, and accepted your feelings, start to get curious about them. Where did they come from? What are they trying to tell you? Do they have a history? When have you felt this way before? Do you have unprocessed feelings from the past that make the current ones seem even more intense? Are they showing up in your body as well?
5. Soothe yourself.
After you’ve labeled and expressed how you feel, you can figure out how to soothe yourself so the feelings are less intense. Crying, journaling, breathing, exercising, listening to music, humming, meditating, mindfulness exercises, and talking are just some of the ways that people soothe themselves.
6. Learn from your feelings.
Your feelings are an important form of communication. Does your anger communicate that you need to strengthen or enforce your boundaries? Does your sorrow teach you that you need to reach out for more support? Does your fear tell you that you need to be more proactive about getting informed? Use your emotional state to motivate you and teach you important lessons.
As Glennon Doyle says, "Feeling all your feelings is hard, but that’s what they’re for. Feelings are for feeling. All of them. Even the hard ones."
From the Author: This article is an excerpt from Unhitched: The Essential Divorce Guide for Women by Oona Metz.
References
Metz, O. (2026). Unhitched: The Essential Divorce Guide for Women. New York, NY: Gallery Books.
Attribution
Originally published on Psychology Today.
This article was originally published on Psychology Today by Oona Metz, LICSW, and is republished on Divorce Network Pro with attribution.
About the Author
Oona Metz
Oona Metz is a nationally recognized therapist, writer, and speaker who specializes in treating women navigating divorce. With over thirty years of experience, Oona has supported hundreds of women through the process of divorce. She is the founder of The Beacon Group Fellowship which trains mental health clinicians throughout the country to lead divorce support groups. She lives near Boston, Massachusetts, with her partner, and a handful of pets. Her young adult children have flown the coop but return home often.
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